Having a hard time

Due to school stuff that is out of my control (I am unable to discuss in full because identifying), I’m ridiculously stressed and anxious lately. It’s pretty much all I can do to keep it together at work, then I come home and spend the vast majority of the evening in silence (maybe asking, “Do you want food?” if I remember I’m supposed to eat), absorbed in a special interest to recharge. My partner is worried about me, I think.

Stress regarding the school situation has made my ordinary social anxiety stuff go haywire. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better, as the school situation is unlikely to resolve in the near future.

If my posts are sparse, here’s why: I’m too anxious to do much of anything. Anything I consider doing has my brain going, “NO. IT’LL SUCK AND YOU’LL SAY SOMETHING WRONG AND EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU SO YOU CAN’T DO IT.”

I can make it to work. And do work. And then I’m too exhausted to do even online social stuff because that also has my brain doing above. And I spent all fucking day yesterday trying not to run out of the building and home and hide in a blanket fort.

And even when I can get something written, I can’t necessarily work up the nerve to post it. Because see above re: everybody hating me in my brain. Even though I know it’s irrational.

This anxiety is immune to exercise and can only be muffled temporarily, not actually reduced or eliminated, with special interests, so I’ve just been in meltdown-avoidance mode for the past few days. Blanket forts likewise provide temporary muffling, plus they aren’t really that practical during the workday. I will see if I adjust to the school situation next week. If not, I might need to make use of the campus mental health services because I can’t function in meltdown-avoidance mode indefinitely.


4 thoughts on “Having a hard time

  1. Take whatever time you need..we’ll still be here…right now (and always) your first priority is you, followed by the ppl closest to you and your job. As a parent I can’t thank you enough for your insights and the peels inside your mind that help me understand even a little…but the extra vulnerability it piles on you may be too much right now, and that’s ok. Take a break from anything non essential to survival and focus on getting you back to a healthy place. I hope you are somehow able to either resolve the situation or find something that helps you manage it successfully. Good luck! šŸ™‚

  2. feministaspie says:

    This REALLY reminds me of the issues I’m having at uni. It’s horrible, isn’t it? šŸ˜¦ I know this probably doesn’t help, but we honestly don’t hate you. Take all the time and special interests and blanket forts you need. We’re here for you! šŸ™‚

  3. notsureofwhatsnext says:

    Some very familiar thoughts and language you are expressing here.
    If you can remember a time when you’ve experienced something similar, try to remember that you were able to get through it before and that you’ll be able to get through it again. Maybe some limited special interest and blankets are what you need to help sort out your thoughts and to give you some time to figure out what you should be doing. Talking to someone at mental health services sounds like a good plan, too. It sounds like you’re on your way to getting through this already.
    Hang in there.

  4. […] this because relevant considering what I’ve dubbed my “anxietypocalypse.” (tl;dr: anxious-anxious-anxious-anxious-PANIC-anxious-anxious-anxious repeat = all but one […]

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