Due to school stuff that is out of my control (I am unable to discuss in full because identifying), I’m ridiculously stressed and anxious lately. It’s pretty much all I can do to keep it together at work, then I come home and spend the vast majority of the evening in silence (maybe asking, “Do you want food?” if I remember I’m supposed to eat), absorbed in a special interest to recharge. My partner is worried about me, I think.
Stress regarding the school situation has made my ordinary social anxiety stuff go haywire. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better, as the school situation is unlikely to resolve in the near future.
If my posts are sparse, here’s why: I’m too anxious to do much of anything. Anything I consider doing has my brain going, “NO. IT’LL SUCK AND YOU’LL SAY SOMETHING WRONG AND EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU SO YOU CAN’T DO IT.”
I can make it to work. And do work. And then I’m too exhausted to do even online social stuff because that also has my brain doing above. And I spent all fucking day yesterday trying not to run out of the building and home and hide in a blanket fort.
And even when I can get something written, I can’t necessarily work up the nerve to post it. Because see above re: everybody hating me in my brain. Even though I know it’s irrational.
This anxiety is immune to exercise and can only be muffled temporarily, not actually reduced or eliminated, with special interests, so I’ve just been in meltdown-avoidance mode for the past few days. Blanket forts likewise provide temporary muffling, plus they aren’t really that practical during the workday. I will see if I adjust to the school situation next week. If not, I might need to make use of the campus mental health services because I can’t function in meltdown-avoidance mode indefinitely.