Writing this because relevant considering what I’ve dubbed my “anxietypocalypse.” (tl;dr: anxious-anxious-anxious-anxious-PANIC-anxious-anxious-anxious repeat = all but one morning of the past week and a bit, as of this writing)
For me, anxiety basically turns the dials on my autistic traits. Lights are too bright (even with sunglasses), sounds are too loud, I notice all of the things (like my housemates are having a conversation downstairs with their door shut that I can make out sound for sound, like my computer fan is louder than normal, like my housemate has a cough, like the neighbour just slammed their door like there’s no wind outside because I can’t hear the breeze like I could when I went to bed like where the belt is touching my skin and where it’s on my pants like the fabric of my pants has pilled in three locations on my right leg and two on my left that I can tell by feel like my back is a bit itchy because winter skin like like like etc), my verbal processing gets worse, my words come slower and with greater difficulty, my ability to filter sounds and sensations decreases, my meltdown threshold decreases, my anxiety threshold decreases (so I become prone to anxiety feed back loops where I’m anxious because thing is bugging me because I’m anxious because etc), my appetite is either “starving” or “nauseated” or both at the same time (like right now), clothes itch or hurt (even stuff I normally find comfy), etc, etc, etc.
Anxiety makes pretty much everything more difficult: Concentrating, remembering stuff, passing when passing is necessary, etc. It’s also made another post topic come up, one that I’ll post on later, because anxiety won’t let me do it or even allude to what it is right now. But, anyway.
Normally, I’m quite anxious. By which I mean: Unless I’m at home either alone or with my partner while both of us do quiet activities, I am anxious. I’m anxious for the majority of my day, every day of my life. It’s my baseline, something that I’ve gotten used to, and I’m pretty good at dealing with it. Until something makes it worse. Like my current school situation. The uncertainty, tension, and stress associated with the current school situation coupled with the fact that it’s completely out of my hands and the high likelihood that it won’t be resolved for the forseeable future among other things means that I’ve basically hit my “can’t cope” threshold. I can’t. I just… can’t.
I’m operating on borrowed energy and when I run out of energy to borrow and crash, it will be hard. But I need to operate. Because operating is stuff like going to work, doing my research, keeping my job, making food so I don’t starve, remembering to turn off appliances so I don’t burn the place down, remembering to clean up messes for hygiene and food safety reasons. Stuff that if I don’t do it, I FUBAR my life and possibly my plans for the future. So other stuff is being sacrificed: Stuff like homework, extra-curriculars, volunteer work. It pains me to leave unfulfilled things I promised to do, but if I try to do it all right now, I will crash and burn. Probably metaphorically speaking, but given how my proprioception goes out the window in meltdown, the “crash” part might well be literal.
The weekend helped quite a bit, and then yesterday I laid low all evening, which also helped.
But at this point, it’s only a stopgap solution. During the week, I’m still running an energy deficit day-to-day. My aggravated insomnia that reared its head Sunday will only worsen this situation, as will anything that pops up unexpectedly during the weekend to take away from my recharge time. I really hope the situation gets resolved sooner rather than later, but I doubt it will.